…then chances are that it’s a duck murdering, racist, homophobic redneck.
“I’m shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here!…”
Not since Claude Rains’ uttered those transparently hypocritical words in the smoke filled halls of “Rick’s Café Américain” as the waiter handed him his winnings, have I laughed so hard at the manufactured outrage (and quiet money counting…) that is being pantomimed by the folks over at the Arts & Entertainment Network (apparently it isn’t necessarily in that order…).
Here’s the thing:
You can say a lot about Phil Robertson, the patriarch of the Louisiana family depicted on the so-called reality show ( how many families do you know that do table reads of their daily lives? ) Duck Dynasty. You can call him a redneck, you can call him a religious fanatic, you can call him a racist homophobe. You can even say that he has poor personal grooming habits and a highly questionable fashion sense. But the one thing that you cannot call Phil Robertson is a hypocrite. That is an accolade reserved for the network execs over at A&E and perhaps for a large portion of the marketing barnacles that have ridden the red-eyed gravy train all the way to the bank. Now that the old mallard has shown his true colors for the world to see, suddenly everyone is holding their head and running around like they just fell off of an Edvard Munch painting (too obscure? OK, Google “The Scream” – 1893 and you will know what I’m talking about…).
You didn’t really have to be a bloodhound to smell this one coming around the corner. Robertson has never pretended to be anyone other than who he is. Sure, the show is scripted but they didn’t find this guy over at central casting. The beard and the camouflage jacket and the confederate mindset all came with the package. The only thing that I’m actually surprised about is that it took this long for people to pull their heads out of their duck blinds and smell the dynamite.
My guess is that there is a lot more interview gold to be mined by the folks over at GQ (or Esquire, et al) by simply playing a quick game of Duck, Duck, Goose with most of the current lineup of reality show stars. And it will continue to be so as long as production costs are low and the viewing numbers are high. And make no mistake, those numbers are high. Duck Dynasty is sitting at the top of a very large, very smelly pile of cable refuse. Indeed, can a show involving Seagulls be far off?
It makes me wonder why there are no finger-pointing bloviators ranting about the dumbing-down of American viewing standards. I mean if violent video games are responsible for the apparent increase in wild-eyed AR 15-toting lunatics shooting school kids and theater goers, then why aren’t prurient reality shows responsible for the apparent increase and acceptance of bigotry, intolerance and fanaticism? Maybe it’s because there is no percentage in trying to create an informed and questioning viewing demographic. If you offer them stale bread, the ducks will come flocking to you. Never mind that a steady diet of bread crumbs will make them fat and shorten their lives. There are always more ducks. Trolling for bottom feeders seems to be the main attraction for the guilty-pleasure seeking demographic that apparently can’t find any more car wrecks to drive by slowly.
But you have to keep that observation sotto voce, because if you start talking too loudly then all of those ducks might fly away. So before you can say “contract negotiation” the meetings are called and lunches are canceled and the flying monkeys of Fox News punditry are sent forth to shriek their outrage at this infringement of the first amendment, and throw their feces at those elite, socialist, limp-wristed, “outside-agitators” in the “lame-stream media” that would dare to raise an eyebrow or ask a question about the intelligence of providing a microphone and a spotlight to the worst of our tendencies and least of our possibilities. At this very moment, there is a whole flock of PR execs slamming the lid on unfettered journalistic access to their various and sundry alternative programming golden geese, because they know that once those loose, collagen-filled lips start flapping, the ratings and the sponsors and the audience could head south faster than a duck in winter. If you don’t believe me, just ask GinaMarie Zimmerman, or Aaryn Gries, or Spencer Clawson.
Who???
Exactly…
Stay tuned.